Monday, February 16, 2009

ONLY Because It's Your Birthday

Dear Furrow,

I suppose you creep on my blog enough to get a decent shout out. As one of my most fanatic readers, I want to take this day, your birthday, to say that I truly appreciate your [sometimes creepy] support. Your devotion errs on the side of obsession, but I'm Carly: I'm used to odd amounts of attention.

Regardless of the fact that we both know that this quasi-friendship will one day result in a restraining order [against you, obviously], at this point it seems under control enough for you to know that I think you're a good guy. A hopelessly awkward, perennially grumpy, red-headed jerk sometimes, but overall, not too bad. I love the fact that I can craft perfectly balanced insults to hurl at you and, instead of moping to the corner to lick your wounds, you squeal in glee [you think I don't hear that, but I do...] I think that if everyone had a relationship based on mutual respect, loathing, and a begrudged friendship in their life, the world would probably be a better place.

That being said, I would like to take a moment to clarify a few things.

1. This is not a Top 10 List. Don't get too excited.

2. Despite what you choose to believe, you were wearing a Zelda t-shirt when I first met you.

3. Also despite what you choose to believe, you were wearing that same Zelda t-shirt when I first saw you in GL's halls, some five or six years later.

4. I did NOT say that I wanted to be you during my Reflection interview.

5. Consequently, the Reflection was a horrid excuse of a publication and I left embarrassingly early nearly every day either to go to class at Kalamazoo College or go back to sleep in my bed.

6. I know that you were jealous when you found out about my innocent crush on your "chubby, Mexican manager" Mike [and BY THE WAY, he is not chubby -- he's adorably cuddly looking]. It's obvious that you are in love with me. Just give up now, silly.

7. If you retort to that with some comment about how clearly enamored I must be with you to even say such a thing, I will throw up all over your unoriginality and disillusioned brain. Don't tempt me, Furrow, I'll do it.

8. I get unexpected amounts of joy from being mean to you, but unfortunately we both know that I am joking and, in fact, have a small place in my heart for your weirdness. A ridiculously microscopic, strictly-platonic, heavily-guarded, and highly secret place, that is, but a teeny place nonetheless.

9. Don't let that give you any false hope. You don't stand a chance. I will, however, sign a copy of my book for you one day. Maybe.

10. You were incredibly awkward at my Fallapalooza Extravaganza. Next time, just talk to someone and wear a sweatshirt. It'll probably go smoother.

11. I am adding this last point simply to deny you a Top 10 List. Plus half of these were about me and your hopeless addiction to me. This is NOT a Top 10 List. I wouldn't want to cause you too much excitement as to impair your ability to fall asleep for the next twelve years of your life...

With this out of my way, I am on to bigger, better lint-brushing my wardrobe. Or removing my nail polish. Or sculpting my art eraser into my own interpretation of a rock. I hope you had a great birthday...and that a real-life exchange made you happier than this. I highly doubt the likelihoods of that...but whatever.

Oh, and if you fail to make an account to actually comment on my posts after this monumental display of acknowledgment, you will be banned. You have been warned.


Not Furrow said...

1. I am not creepy nor will I ever have a restraining order against me.

2. You're the only one who ever thinks of me as mean, which is funny, because I'm normally not, but it's just so darn fun to antagonize you. :P

3. You seriously overexxagerated the length of time between when you came to my church and when you saw me at GL, it was like 2 years...max.

4. And I quote: Me- "So, Carly, if you could choose one word to describe yourself what would it be....", You(with a slightly annoyed tone)- "FURROW!"

5. If it should please you to know, Mike is actually now my boss, he is in charge of his own store and recruited me to work with him, so I see him like every day......don't be jealous.

6. Despite all of the above objections.....I LOVED it!'re too kind, really now!

Shelby said...

In Carly's defense, I too remember the Zelda shirt.. but Furrow's right, Carly, it was barely two years.

ttcrook said...

Thank the Lord for Furrow! Your most entertaining post in ages! :)