Part Deux

You remember Old Navy Joe, right? You'd think that this poor man's escapades with my crazy family would be done, right? Yeah, me too.

Unfortunately, we were wrong. And once again, Julie is responsible.

In my beloved mother's defense, she did it out of love. I was having a stressful day, and you know mothers: they'll do anything for their daughters. My mother is so good to me...she just does things sometimes, though, you know? Things that make you shake your head and falter, "Mama...why? Why, Mama, why?" Why, for example, do we have chickens? This mystery has never adequately been explained to me. Why does she still think that her children [ages 22, 20, 18, and 16, mind you] believe in Santa Clause? Why does she enjoy exercise? That just seems unnatural. Ah, but I digress. The point is, Mom will go to great lengths to make her daughters smile. And in normal circumstances, this would be a beautiful quality.

As it is, however....well. I'm not so sure.

I texted her my woes on Tuesday while she was shopping apparently. I'll give you a wild guess where. Anyway, she had her phone out, looked up, and realized that, oh! She and Old Navy Joe were the only ones in the front of the store! What a perfect opportunity to surprise her beloved baby girls!

Trying to envision this next part makes me laugh, because she covertly tried to take a picture of the cutest cashier in all of Gap, Inc., and yet somehow ended up with four pictures of her finger on her phone. Her finger. How...how would this work? What was she pretending to take a picture of, that this could be the end result?? I don't claim to understand my mother, but this is just too much. I love it.

Obviously taking pity on her silly, misguided soul, bored Old Navy Joe asked her if she needed help with anything. Mom smiled sweetly, I'm sure, and sidled up to the register. "Yeah..." she said. "Can you help me figure out the camera on my phone?"

Now, this part strikes me as pure genius. What a tactic! What a flirt! I LOVE IT!!! Julie, of course, knows perfectly well how to use the camera on her phone, but she had a plan. This has to be one of the moments in life where I beam in pride for my mother. It's just too delicious. Old Navy Joe obviously obliged and showed her how to access the camera feature on her phone, took a picture of the cash register to show her how to work it, and then handed her the phone. Then it was Julie's turn to try and she took a picture of HIM!!! A close-up, posed, completely awkward picture!! Then she goes, "Would you be sad if I deleted it?" He smiled, because he is Old Navy Joe, and he goes, "Not at all."

Then what did the saucy little minx do, you might ask? SHE SENT THE PICTURE TO SHELBY AND I!!

Of course, I didn't know this story when I opened my phone in class to see a vaguely familiar face smiling up at me. Who is this man...he looks...like...oh dear Lord....OLD NAVY JOE!!! I thought, my brain going a million miles a moment. I stood up, slamming my hands on my desk the second class was over. "I am going to KILL my mother!!" I said murderously. The boys sitting next to me looked very afraid. They had every right to. I was very unhappy with my mother.

I called her immediately and she answered casually. "MOTHER." I said forcefully. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??!"

At risk of losing her life, or at least her privilege of shopping in Old Navy unaccompanied, she told me the story. I was easily placated, slightly charmed and impressed even. My sister, on the other hand, was not, but that's a different situation...and I don't blame her. Good job, Shelby.

So, the point is, that poor, poor man has been deeply psychologically damaged by my mother and he probably doesn't even realize it...or worse, he DOES realize it, but he humors all of us out of pity. I choose not to accept that. Here's my version: he obviously remembers the time that I was with my mother, and therefore does everything he can to impress her so that he has an in with me. Right?

I pray to God he never finds this. Talk about mortifying.